Consultations
Enjoy Raising Your Kids (3) Nurturing Faith, Character, and Excellence
This is the third series of “How to Enjoy Raising Your Children?”. In the first two episodes, we
discussed the meaning of parenting, whether parenting is an obligation or a
virtue, its importance, its connection to self-purification, its rewards, and
its defining characteristics. In this article, we will focus on:
The Goals of Parenting
At the family level:
The core of all the family’s
educational efforts must be directed towards the righteousness of the children
above all else, “a righteous child who supplicates for him.” It has been said: Teach your child the Qur’an,
and the Qur’an will teach them everything.
Among the greatest fruits of
righteousness is ihsan (perfecting
deeds); “To worship Allah as if you see Him, and
if you cannot achieve this state of devotion then you must consider that He is
looking at you.” What can be
expected from one raised with self-awareness and accountability except
sincerity, excellence, and all the lofty values that govern conduct? A
misunderstanding of the goal of parenting has led some parents to focus on
academic certificates and professional careers as the ultimate measure of their
success as parents, which is a disastrous mistake! They closely monitor their
children’s grades in chemistry and physics, while paying no attention to their
“religion grade” — their commitment to prayer, their moral behavior, and their
overall values.
At the Ummah level:
One of the most important duties
of parents and leaders is to care for the coming generation; a generation
capable of carrying the trust of restoring the Ummah to its rightful path as “the best nation brought forth for mankind” (Aal Imran 3:110). This must be a generation with
sound, firmly rooted faith and an Islamic worldview that shields them from the
distractions and trials of this world; a generation not only familiar with the
sciences of the age but also leading in all areas of life, providing the Ummah
with every means of material strength.
The Responsibility of Parenting
We have already mentioned that
parenting is an individual obligation (fard ‘ayn) upon anyone whom Allah
has entrusted with youth, whether parents at home, teachers in schools, or imams
in mosques, and it is also a collective obligation (fard kifayah) upon
the entire Ummah. This duty cannot be fulfilled unless every member of the
Ummah is aware of their responsibility.
Parenting is the responsibility of every Muslim; through which the condition of both individuals and the Ummah is rectified. It is an act of obedience to Allah and a fulfillment of His command to enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong.
Every person raises those Allah
has placed under their care, just as they themselves are influenced by others.
In this holistic sense of parenting, educational efforts complement one another
so that the entire Ummah rises, not just the youth. Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be
pleased with him, narrated that the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said:
“The believer is the believer's mirror, and the
believer is the believer's brother who guards him against loss and protects him
when he is absent.” (Sahih,
Al-Adab al-Mufrad)
Brotherhood as a Path to Allah
One of the greatest and most sacred values of brotherhood in Islam between believers is helping one another in obedience to Allah, through enjoining good and forbidding evil, the very foundation of building the Muslim individual, and thus the society and the Ummah. What is the value of brotherhood if it is not a means to aid one another in obedience to Allah Almighty? The Prophet, peace be upon him, chose the metaphor of the “mirror” to describe this relationship — a powerful expression of the nature of brotherhood, for just as a physical mirror reflects an honest image of a person’s outward form, allowing them to act upon what they see, the believer is a moral mirror for his brother: if he sees good, he encourages it; if he sees otherwise, he advises with kindness, using the standard of the wise Shariah, seeking only Allah’s pleasure through excellence towards his brother.
Therefore, parenting is the
responsibility of every Muslim; it is through parenting that the state of the
individual and the Ummah is improved. It is obedience to Allah and compliance
with His command to enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong. Umar
al-Farooq, may Allah be pleased with him, expressed the ideal way a believer
should view and receive advice when he said: “May Allah have mercy on a man
who gifts me my faults.”
Is Parenting Struggle or Joy?
1- Seeking Reward and Recompense from Allah:
As we will explain in the
educational program, the first principle is sincerity, and one of the fruits of
sincerity is seeking reward from Allah Almighty. The educator is rewarded by
Allah for every effort made in the process of raising children. With certainty
that Allah is the Guide, all that remains after sincerity is to exert one’s
utmost effort in fulfilling this great trust.
Parenting is a continuous lifelong practice throughout life if the Muslim is able to perform it and commit to it.
Allah promises: “Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds
– indeed, We will not allow to be lost the reward of any who did well in
deeds.” (Al-Kahf 18:30) and
“And Allah is with you and will never
deprive you of [the reward of] your deeds.” (Muhammad 47:35).
The believer’s certainty in
Allah’s promise that He does not let the reward of good work go to waste brings
peace to the heart. The believer’s ultimate aim is to be granted success by
Allah in fulfilling the trusts they carry and Allah has promised to reward
them, for He is able to fulfill His promise, generous in giving, and wise in
how He grants. This assurance brings joy to the heart. Through parenting, one
is planting seeds for the Hereafter.
2- Guidance is in the Hands of Allah:
We know with certainty that we
cannot bring benefit or harm even to ourselves except by Allah’s will. Allah
said to His Messenger, peace be upon him, and to the Ummah after him: “Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like,
but Allah guides whom He wills.” (Al-Qasas 28:56) How much the Prophet,
peace be upon him, wished that his uncle Abu Talib would accept Islam, yet
Allah, in His wisdom and knowledge of His servants, decreed that he would die
in disbelief. Similarly, there was Nuh and his son, Ibrahim and his father, Lut
and his wife, Asiyah and the Pharaoh. When parents focus on performing their
educational duties sincerely for Allah’s sake, without constant anxiety about
the outcome, their hearts find peace, trusting in Allah, whose name is Al-Hadi
— The Guide.
3- Parenting is a Lifelong Practice and Way of Life:
It continues as long as the
believer is able to fulfill it. Prophet Ya‘qub, may Allah be pleased with him,
in his final moments, was still fulfilling his educational role towards his
children: “[Or were you witnesses when death
approached Jacob, when he said to his sons, ‘What will you worship after me?’
They said, ‘We will worship your God and the God of your fathers, Abraham and
Ishmael and Isaac – one God. And we are Muslims [in submission] to Him.’]”
(Al-Baqarah 2:133)
This shows that parenting is not
a task to be completed in a limited period, but a daily practice for as long as
we live. We must learn to enjoy it so that we can perform it effectively, for
parenting under pressure, tension, or anger not only hinders the achievement of
its goals but often leads to negative results.
4- Direct and Indirect Parenting
There are two main methods of parenting:
- Direct parenting: giving
clear advice and guidance, whether by commanding an action or forbidding it.
- Indirect parenting: offering
guidance through example, play, questions, stories, following selected online
content in text, audio, or video form, attending workshops, or discussing
real-life situations, and so on. Indirect methods may be planned and structured
for specific educational purposes or may be spontaneous, as when an educator
seizes a situation to convey a value.
Educator must seize the appropriate opportunity for education, as the human soul is not a material entity that can be easily tamed.
Both methods are necessary
because they complement each other in fulfilling the responsibility of
parenting. While indirect methods align with human nature, which tends to
resist direct commands and prohibitions, parenting as a complete system also
relies on direct guidance.
The Educational Moment
An educational moment is an
interaction between the educator and the learner with the aim of instilling a
value. The educator must choose the right time for guidance, for the human soul
is not a physical object easily molded. To succeed, the educator must
understand the learner’s readiness to receive guidance and prepare them for it.
The educator must also remain
calm, for their agitation transfers to the learner, causing tension and closing
the channels of receptivity. They must avoid threats, shouting, and blame, for
the success of the educational moment depends on the educator’s skill in
managing it wisely and in a manner suited to the learner’s temperament.
For Further Reading:
Parental Model Challenges in the Age of Social Media
Balanced Parenting in Highly Diverse World
Book Review: “60 Practical Commandments on the Rights of Children” By Dr. Salah Sultan
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