Healthy vs. Unhealthy Attachment

A child is born as a blank slate, searching for safety in a warm embrace, a familiar voice, and a gentle touch. From the very first moment he clings to his mother’s body, the deepest human bond is woven, the bond of attachment to the mother. It is a profound instinct placed by Allah in human nature since he was a fetus in his mother’s womb, so he is drawn to her face, voice, and scent as if he has known her forever.

This attachment grants the child a sense of security and shapes his personality in the early years of life, preparing him to enter the world with confidence and reassurance.

Mother-Child Attachment: Irreplaceable Natural Instinct

Attachment to the mother in the early years of childhood is one of the primary guarantees for a child’s psychological and physical survival. Therefore, the Quran highlights the central role of the mother in her child’s life from the earliest moments of pregnancy: {And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship.} [Luqman 31:14] The hardship the mother endures is the foundation of a deep emotional relationship, one that the child’s heart relies on for security.

The British psychologist John Bowlby developed the Attachment Theory, and later, researcher Mary Ainsworth demonstrated through the “Strange Situation Test” that children who enjoy a secure attachment with their mothers display higher levels of self-confidence, readiness to learn, and ability to build balanced relationships. By contrast, children deprived of this secure attachment often suffer from anxiety and difficulties in social adjustment.

Moreover, secure attachment impacts not only the child’s emotions and behavior but also his physical and neurological health. A study published by the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child found that a mother’s consistent responsiveness to her child’s needs contributes to building healthy neural pathways in the brain, preparing him for critical thinking, learning, and greater psychological resilience against stress later in life.

Attachment goes through stages: during infancy, the child seeks physical protection and forms a strong psychological bond with his mother; in the early years, he seeks reassurance through emotional closeness; and gradually, he learns independence under the umbrella of that security.

Healthy and Unhealthy Attachment

Healthy attachment is a natural relationship of security between a child and his mother. It grants him the confidence to explore the world, knowing that he can always return to her as a refuge for reassurance. This foundation helps him build balanced friendships and develop resilience against difficulties.

Unhealthy attachment, however, is excessive dependence on the mother’s presence, turning it into a daily condition for functioning. This hinders psychological and social growth and may manifest as Separation Anxiety Disorder or Reactive Attachment Disorder, affecting about 1–2% of children worldwide, with higher rates among those raised in foster care.

Symptoms of Unhealthy Attachment

Unhealthy attachment can be summarized in three main aspects that clearly appear in the life of a child or adolescent:

1.      Severe anxiety in the mother’s absence – This goes beyond the normal separation anxiety of young children, showing as prolonged crying, refusal to go to school, or even physical symptoms such as headaches and vomiting at the mere thought of separation. Studies indicate that separation anxiety disorder affects 4–8% of children globally, and up to 11% of American children (ages 3–17) suffer from anxiety disorders in general.

2.     Difficulty forming independent friendships – The child struggles to build normal peer relationships. He may cling excessively to friends in search of security or withdraw in fear of rejection, depriving himself of social experiences that mature his personality and teach him cooperation and self-confidence.

3.     Excessive dependence during stages of independence – The adolescent may require his mother’s approval for even simple decisions, hesitating in facing natural challenges such as studying or working independently. This weakens self-efficacy and raises risks of anxiety and depression later. Research shows that children with early attachment disorders often face serious psychological and social issues in adulthood.

Why Does Unhealthy Attachment Develop?

• Overprotection: When the mother prevents her child from trying new experiences out of fear for him, she deprives his brain of learning risk management, leading to higher social anxiety and lower independence later.
• Absence or weak role of the father: A father’s active involvement provides the child with an alternative source of trust and reduces pressure on the mother. When the father is absent or neglects his role, the child becomes overly dependent on the mother alone, fostering unhealthy attachment.
• Trauma and frequent changes in caregivers: Children who experience loss or repeated changes in caregivers, as in foster care, show higher rates of attachment disorders.
• Marital conflict and unstable home environments: Ongoing disputes between parents steal away the child’s sense of safety, pushing him to cling to the mother as a desperate source of security.

How Islam Treats Unhealthy Attachment

Islam offers a balanced model of child upbringing, combining affection and care in early years with responsibility and independence as they grow. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah is Forbearer and loves forbearance in all matters.”

Raising Children on Attachment to Allah

Islam transcends the natural parent-child bond by establishing a supreme foundation of security that does not vanish with the absence of people or changing circumstances. This is achieved by raising children upon attachment to Allah. Thus, Allah Becomes powerfully present in the child’s consciousness, his permanent refuge that never fades.

This appears practically when parents connect daily life details to Allah, teaching children supplications for eating, entering the bathroom, and sleeping; remembering Allah in hardships; and introducing them to the Beautiful Names of Allah in a way suitable to their age. The child grows aware of a higher source of security beyond his parents, learning that his true refuge is not only his mother’s embrace but Allah’s mercy and kindness.

Quranic stories further strengthen this awareness, such as the story of Musa (peace be upon him) as a baby in the basket, or Ibrahim (peace be upon him) when thrown into the fire—each teaches that ultimate protection comes from Allah even when human means fail.

Contemporary Islamic studies indicate that this spiritual attachment reduces cognitive distortions and strengthens adolescents’ self-regulation. A child who grows with the conviction that Allah is always with him does not collapse when his mother is absent or his father is busy, because he possesses a steady internal source of reassurance. This spiritual grounding lessens unhealthy dependence on parents, encourages gradual independence, and strengthens courage and self-confidence in facing new situations, shifting reliance from human beings to the Creator of all human beings.

Balancing Compassion and Discipline

The Prophet (peace be upon him) combined profound mercy with teaching responsibility and discipline from an early age. His compassion is seen when he passed by children playing and greeted them, carried Al-Hasan Ibn Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) on his shoulders and said, “O Allah! I love him, so please love him.” And when an Arab man expressed surprise at his affection for children, the Prophet (peace be upon him) replied: “I cannot put mercy in your heart after Allah has taken it away from it.”

Even with A’isha (may Allah be pleased with her), he would let her play and join her. She said: “I was playing with dolls in the Prophet’s house and I had companions who played with me; but when God’s Messenger entered they would withdraw from him. He would then send them to me and they would play with me.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Yet this mercy did not mean a lack of discipline. He (peace be upon him) taught Al-Hasan Ibn Ali a supplication for Witr prayer, advised Anas (may Allah be pleased with him): “O my son! Beware of looking around during the Salat, for indeed looking around during Salat is destruction.” (At-Tirmidhi) He also set gradual rules for prayer: “Command your children to perform Salat (prayer) when they are seven years old, and beat them for (not offering) it when they are ten.” (Abu Dawud) He started instilling habits early, guiding children with patience until they grew righteously.

Practical Steps to Treat Unhealthy Attachment in Children

From the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) guidance, we derive practical steps for treating unhealthy attachment in children:

• Early responsiveness: Meeting children’s emotional needs with physical touch, affection, gentle speech, and compassion.
• Building spiritual routines: Establishing daily habits such as bedtime supplications, Quran recitation, and prayers so that security comes from attachment to Allah rather than people.
• Gradual independence: Assigning age-appropriate tasks and encouraging achievement without total reliance on the mother.
• Active father involvement: Ensuring the father plays an active role in care and upbringing, serving as an additional source of security and reducing the mother’s burden.
• Community support networks: Involving the child in the mosque, family gatherings, and group activities to widen trust circles beyond the mother.

For Further Reading:

• Dangers of Verbal Abuse on Children’s Mental Health
• Islam’s Guide to Refining Instincts and Preserving Natural Disposition
• 6 Keys to Balanced Parenting in the Modern Era

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Resources:

• Mahasin Al-Islam Encyclopedia.
• Adolescent-parent attachment: Bonds that support healthy development
• Reactive Attachment Disorder