Consultations
How to Enjoy Raising Our Children? (2) Core Concepts of Islamic Upbringing
Based on parents’ repeated complaints
and their suffering in raising their children along with the reality of the
educational consultations we deal with, I have found that there is a need for a
deep and fundamental treatment of this important matter.
Upbringing is a continuous
process; it is not a task we perform, with which our responsibility ends.
Therefore, we must carry it out while enjoying it, happy with our efforts and
creativity in giving for the sake of raising a righteous child.
In the previous article, we addressed “The Nature of Upbringing,” and in this article,
we will address some “misconceptions.”
The Impact of Upbringing on the Parents’ Relationship
It was stated in the message
(which we presented in the previous article): “This has reflected on our
relationship as a couple.”
One of the most important shared responsibilities of parents is raising their
children. It is a responsibility of all time, and it should be a reason for
closeness, understanding, and coordination in fulfilling this great trust.
Children can sense if there is a difference in the methodology between father
and mother, and they may exploit it. There is no harm in each parent having
their own style, but it must harmonize with the other in an educational
approach suitable for their children.
Upbringing aims to purify the soul; it is the foundation of building the future, upon which rests the rise of the Ummah.
The message also said: “They
do not give us the chance to calm down and express our love for them or praise
them, because they are always falling short. So how can we sit together and
converse happily?”
The relationship of the parents with their children should not be affected by
the degree of their children’s responsiveness to upbringing. Expressing our
love and appreciation for our children should not be conditional upon their
compliance or good behavior. We criticize the action, whether good or bad, not the
child himself.
Upbringing… An Obligation or a Virtue?
Upbringing is among the foremost
obligations after fulfilling the pillars of Islam. Prayer during Laylatal-Qadr is a great virtue, but it is not an obligation, meaning, whoever
neglects it does not sin, though they miss out on great good. But whoever falls
short in carrying out their parental duties in upbringing commits a sin. Allah
the Exalted says, “O you who have believed, protect
yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over
which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in
what He commands them but do what they are commanded.” (At-Tahrim: 6)
The Importance of Upbringing
The mission of the Messengers was
to nurture, with the aim of purifying the soul by connecting it to Allah the Almighty
and following His law. Upbringing is the foundation of building the future;
upon it rests the rise of the Ummah. If it is sound, the future of the Ummah is
secure; if it is neglected, the future is lost. The Prophet, peace be upon him,
said: “When a man dies, his deeds come to an end
except for three things: Sadaqah Jariyah (ceaseless charity); a knowledge which
is beneficial, or a virtuous descendant who prays for him (for the deceased).”
This bounty from Allah is not
restricted to parents, but also extends to teachers who are rewarded for
raising and educating their students, as well as scholars, and all those who
teach and nurture.
Upbringing and Purification of the Soul
Allah the Almighty says, “He has succeeded who purifies it, And he has failed who
instills it [with corruption].” (Ash-Shams: 9–10) Purification of the
soul is among the greatest objectives of upbringing in Islam. In fact, Islamic
upbringing does not bear fruit unless it achieves purification in its
comprehensive sense. The relationship between upbringing and purification is
essential and complementary: upbringing seeks to prepare a righteous human
being, while purification seeks to cleanse the heart, intention, and behavior.
Together, they shape the balanced Muslim personality.
The spirit, intellect, body, self, and emotions must all be integrated.
What is Purification of the Soul?
It is cleansing the soul from
vices and sins, and cultivating virtues and praiseworthy traits such as
sincerity, patience, humility, and justice, until the soul becomes reassured,
content, and pleasing to Allah.
Islamic upbringing is the means,
and purification is the goal. Whoever is not brought up correctly will not be
able to purify his soul, and whoever does not purify his soul will not succeed
in this world or the Hereafter.
The Outcomes of Upbringing
It is among Allah’s bounty that
if the educator sincerely intends Allah’s pleasure and exerts all effort to
fulfill the trust of raising those Allah has placed under his care, he will
receive reward from the Most Generous. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said: “Whoever introduces a good practice that is followed, he
will receive its reward and a reward equivalent to that of those who follow it,
without that detracting from their reward in their slightest. And whoever
introduces a bad practice that is followed, he will receive its sin and a
burden of sin equivalent to that of those who follow it, without that
detracting from their burden in the slightest.” (Sahih Ibn Majah, 169)
The Characteristics of Upbringing
1. Upbringing is Cumulative
Any educational activity leaves its mark on the one being raised, positively or negatively, based on the effect of previous activities. If a child is brought up properly in childhood, it prepares him for adolescence, where the upbringing builds on the results of the earlier stage, and so on throughout the stages of human growth. This does not mean that negative results of a certain stage cannot be corrected later, but it requires removing previous harms first—which is more difficult—then instilling the values that should have been planted earlier, and building upon them.2. Comprehensiveness and Integration
One fruit of upbringing is a sound and balanced personality. Allah the Almighty says, “Say, ‘Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the world.’” (Al-An‘am: 162) However, this does not mean monasticism. The Prophet, peace be upon him, approved the advice of Salman al-Farisi to Abu al-Darda’: “You owe a duty to your Rubb, you owe a duty to your body; you owe a duty to your family; so you should give to everyone his due.” Abu al-Darda’ mentioned that to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and the Prophet said: “Salman is right.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 6139)Upbringing is not just the responsibility of parents, teachers, and scholars, but everyone’s.
It must include spirit,
intellect, body, self (emotions), with each aspect affecting and supporting one
another.
3. Upbringing is Reciprocal
A wise and perceptive parent understands that upbringing is reciprocal between him and his child. Yes, your child sends you signals to develop your parenting approach. If you behave in a way that does not suit your child’s nature, and his reaction is opposite to what you intended, what does that mean? It is an implicit message from your child: “Dear father, this action does not suit me; you need to adjust your parenting and find one that suits me.” If the father fails to understand this and does not develop, then the child’s attempt to “educate” his father as a father has failed!4. Upbringing is Continuous Work
Upbringing is the message and methodology of the Prophets and the righteous, it continues as long as life continues. This is Ya‘qub (may Allah be pleased with him) on his deathbed, still engaging in spiritual nurturing of his children: “Or were you witnesses when death approached Jacob, when he said to his sons, ‘What will you worship after me?’ They said, ‘We will worship your God and the God of your fathers, Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac—one God. And we are Muslims [in submission] to Him.’” (Al-Baqarah: 133)5. An Individual Duty on Every Muslim in His Position
Upbringing is not only the responsibility of parents, teachers, and scholars. Every Muslim, in his position, plays a role in upbringing. A manager nurtures his team so they can be better managers than him; the carpenter and the doctor likewise. Enjoining good and forbidding evil is fulfilled through the mutual support of Muslims in carrying out their educational trusts. A neighbor, if he sees the son of his neighbor doing wrong, has a duty to guide him, and so on.To Explore More, Read the
Following:
- A Reading on Family Relationships Through Surah Yusuf: "The Generation Gap"
- Wisdom, Dialogue, and Decision-Making in the Muslim Home
- 6 Keys to Balanced Parenting in the Modern Era
-------------------------------------------------------------
