Consultations
Islamic Wisdom for Troubled Marriages
Dear Dr. Yahya,
Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.
We are writing to you not to fix
our marriage, each of us sees the other as the one who ruined it, and for about
a year now we were supposed to separate! But we have three children, aged
fourteen, nine, and five. They are our most cherished blessings and the
greatest achievement Allah has granted each of us in our lives.
After discussing the divorce
procedures with mutual respect, we faced the challenge: how do we tell the
children, children who are deeply attached to us and see each of us as a role
model?
Yes, each of us has made sure to
present the other, despite our differences, in the best possible way. As a
result, our children’s mental image of us remains pure, even reassuring, to the
extent that they themselves have become examples of commitment, good manners,
academic and athletic excellence, and even social grace.
Children Preventing Divorce
Despite our disputes reaching the
point of no return, each of us testifies that the other is well mannered, never
letting expressions of displeasure go beyond the limits of courtesy. The worst
that happens is silence, and each of us fulfills their obligations toward the
other without allowing a period of estrangement to last more than three days.
We both acknowledge the other’s role in providing the children with spiritual
upbringing, emotional warmth, material care, academic support, and
participation in sports and social activities. So how could we simply end this?
We realized that there are others
who share in the most important decision of our lives—our marital life—and that
the decision to separate is not ours alone. More precisely, if we truly love
our children and care for them, then they in fact hold this decision. We could
not let our years of effort, and the blessings of Allah, be wasted. Each of us
has endured much from the other just to keep the ship afloat and to fulfill the
trust Allah has tested us with. We became certain that each of us needs the other
as a father/mother to the children.
Living Under One Roof but Apart
Yes, after almost finalizing the
divorce arrangements, we found ourselves forced to postpone it until we
complete the trust of raising our children and fulfilling our responsibilities
toward them. We returned to “square one,” unwillingly, under the pressure of
our mutual need in parenting. From a Shariah perspective, we refused the idea
of divorcing and living separately under the same roof.
We came back home frustrated, each
of us had mentally prepared for the relief of being free from the other.
Zayd said: “So as not to disturb
you, I’ll move into the study and make it my living space. I’ll tell the kids
it’s because I don’t want my snoring to bother you. You’re not required to
fulfill any marital duties toward me, but from my side, I’ll fulfill your
rights if you want to. As for my daily needs, I’ll manage with the restaurant
and laundry service.”
Jawahir could only say: “There is
no power and no strength except with Allah, the Most High, the Almighty.
Indeed, to Allah we belong, and to Him we shall return.”
When Love Turns Silent
Neither of us could sleep that
night—it was the first night either of us had slept alone since our marriage!
We began replaying the story of our lives, reviewing our actions and the
other’s behavior. Honestly, each of us was convinced the other was to blame for
where we ended up. We justified our own inappropriate reactions as “wrong but
provoked” mistakes—yes, mistakes, but whose fault? Naturally, the other’s.
Since we had both pledged to
maintain a healthy psychological environment for the children, we decided that
if we were going to sacrifice our desire to separate and accept living
together, we would try to meet each other’s needs better.
Jawahir continued her habit of
waking early and preparing breakfast so they could eat together in a way that
seemed normal to the kids, even though they avoided eye contact and kept their
distance whenever the kids weren’t around.
They cooperated fully to meet the
children’s emotional and material needs, but truthfully, their words, tones,
and even facial expressions reflected their emotional decline. Comparing their
current emotional estrangement to their worst moments of conflict, they were
both surprised to find that they disliked this state of cold stagnation even
more!
The Turning Point of Marriage Assessment
Then, in a move that reflected
his understanding of his responsibility as a husband, Zayd sent an article, previously
published in Al-Mujtama magazine, about how each spouse should evaluate
the other.
The article included questions
such as:
- What is your conviction about the value of
continuing or separating? Why? (Pros/cons, weighted 90% positive vs. 10%
negative, etc.)
- List your spouse’s most important positives,
ranked from greatest to least.
- List your spouse’s most significant
negatives, ranked from most harmful to least, with details:
Ø Cause:
intentional/unintentional/unknown.
§ Who
caused the conflict:
o My
spouse: (Ignores / Understands me and tries to respond positively / Reacts and
the situation becomes worse) / ...
o Me:
The cause of the conflict is a reaction to my action (Ignores / Understands me
and tries to respond positively / Reacts and the situation becomes worse) / ...
o Cause
of conflict: Difference in values / Out of habit / Stubbornness / Momentary
reaction / ... Other—what is it? ....
- What
are the consequences of this negative trait?
- What
is his/her ability to change?
- What
is his/her willingness to change?
- What
are my efforts to help him/her change?
- Frequency
/ Period of conflict / Way of managing conflict / Way of resolving conflict /
Who initiates / How much we benefited from the conflict / Effect on the other /
...
- What
are my spouse’s criticisms of me? (The subject or reason / My level of
conviction about the validity of the criticism / Frequency / Style / Effect of
the criticism / My reaction / ...)
- To
what extent can I commit to giving up the cause of his/her criticisms of me?
- What
is the minimum my spouse must commit to so that I can be happy with him/her?
- What
are my spouse’s requests of me? To what extent do I believe he/she has the
right to them? And what is the maximum I can commit to in fulfilling these
requests?
- What
are my most important negatives as a husband/wife, and my role in addressing
them?
- What
are my most important positives as a husband/wife?
- What
are my dreams for developing our marriage, and my plan to achieve them?
- I
would like my spouse to know: ...
- A
question I would like to ask my spouse: ...
- Advice
to my spouse: ...
- What
are the advantages and the disadvantages of resuming the relation listed in
descending order?
- What
are the advantages and disadvantages of separating listed in descending order?
Facing Faults Honestly
He attached his answers with it,
and I was astonished by his self-blame, and I don’t say he was fully objective,
rather, he was biased in my favor!
I cried a lot and couldn’t sleep
that night. I chose to control my emotions and focused on answering these
questions as objectively as possible, with sincere intention, the desire to
return, but after knowing the causes of the conflicts and how to address them,
not merely out of emotional and physical longing for my husband.
The result was self-blame, realizing
how I could have avoided many causes of conflict, accommodated the other side,
and reduced their impact. Yet I found myself in a difficult position. How could
I send him all these admissions of my shortcomings? But then I remembered his
openness in telling me his faults, and also, how could we return if we had not
faced our mistakes and sought to fix them?
Faith Rebuilt Our Marriage
I sought help from Allah and sent
him my answers. I was surprised by his call and his gentle voice, telling me
that he had booked us an appointment at an Islamic center for family care and
behavior adjustment.
We were “married” emotionally and
began our night with as many prayers as we could, followed by supplication to
Allah—and what a night it was!
We began a difficult journey, first
with individual programs to adjust certain concepts and behaviors that the
consultant overseeing our case deemed necessary to address, and then with
several joint programs.
All praise is due to Allah, with
sincere intentions, prayer, commitment to acquiring knowledge, and training to
gain the skills we learned in the workshops—which, by Allah’s grace, unleashed
our energy and ability not only to understand ourselves and each other, but
most importantly, to accept and complement one another.
This is the story of our
conflicts, which, by Allah’s grace, became the reason for rebuilding our
marriage on a foundation of understanding and harmony.
Lessons for Couples on the Brink of Divorce
Our advice to you, no matter how
severe the conflicts are, even if it reaches the point of divorce, make
sure to:
- Maintain respect and appreciation, and keep a
thread for possible reconciliation.
- Avoid attacking the other party, especially
in front of your children, and remember that the other party is the
father/mother of your children.
- Evaluate conflicts objectively without
unjustly blaming your spouse; you are not angels, just as your spouse is
not a devil.
- Remember the saying of the Prophet ﷺ: “A believer must not hate a believing woman; if he
dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.” (Narrated by Muslim)
- Seek counsel, think carefully, pray for
guidance (istikharah), seek help from Allah, and place your trust
in Him, the Exalted and Most High.
For Further Reading:
- Book Review: “Divorce Before the Judge” by Dr. Zainab Abul Fadl
- My Husband Second Marriage Broke Me!
- Justice in the Households of the Prophet ﷺ
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