What Happens When Male Guardianship Fails?
“I used
to fulfill the duties towards the husband—providing, caring, bearing
responsibility, and more—until the situation changed. My wife began working and
earning a great deal of money, eventually exceeding my salary and crossing what
had once been unspoken boundaries. Gradually, she became the one who provided
for the household and the children, or at least carried the greater share of
the family’s expenses.”
At first,
we were simply husband and wife, “no difference between us,” as she puts it with
intimacy and affection, “what’s in my pocket is yours.”
Then the
tone changed. It grew louder and harsher: I spend more. I do this and that.
Conflict began, arguments escalated, and the husband uttered the word: “You are divorced!”
They
returned to each other, but the wound had not healed, and the imbalance of qiwamah (male
guardianship) remained. Voices rose again, disputes intensified, and the husband
pronounced—once, twice, three times—“You are divorced,” making life
together unlawful.
The
children were scattered, torn between husband and wife, father and mother, who
had squandered the sacred covenant without
reflection, patience, or consideration of consequences, losses, or the
prevention of an outcome that brings only regret.
Complete Qiwamah: Responsibility Before Authority
What
preceded is a real story of a husband who truly suffered from the collapse of qiwamah—or
more precisely, who caused its collapse, abandoned it, and relinquished his
duties of care and responsibility, without awareness of the consequences or
understanding of the dangers that follow.
According
to a joint study issued by the Doha International Family Institute in
cooperation with the League of Arab States in 2024, a husband’s inability to
provide for the family ranked second among the causes leading to divorce,
especially during the first five years of marriage.
An
Egyptian study further indicated that financial disputes over the wife’s salary
were the primary cause of approximately 49% of marital conflicts that ended in
divorce. It also found that 53% of women involved in cases brought before
family courts accused their husbands of greed toward their salaries, according
to Egyptian newspapers.
Allah the
Almighty Says, {Men are the caretakers of women, as
men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them
financially. And righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone,
protective of what Allah has entrusted them with.} [An-Nisa’ 4:34]
Caretakers
(qiwamah) here means responsibility for provision and care. This preference
rests on two foundations: one divinely bestowed and the other earned.
The divinely bestowed aspect lies in Allah Favoring men with fuller rational
capacity, sound management, and heavier obligations—such as prophethood,
leadership, guardianship, establishing communal worship, jihad, agnatic
inheritance, a larger share in inheritance, and the authority of divorce.
The earned aspect is stated explicitly: {with
supporting them financially.}—in dowries, maintenance, and clothing.
Scholars
state that for a man to fully exercise qiwamah, he must be the provider, the guide, the leader, and
the one who fulfills the rights of those under his care. A man who willingly
abandons this role has squandered his qiwamah—and before that, he has
squandered his manhood.
A Deficient Marriage
Every
claim has a reality. What is the reality of qiwamah, O man, when you leave your
wife to shoulder work, earning, spending, child-rearing, and other duties of a husband and father?
Some men
spend their money on distractions, alcohol, smoking, drugs, cafés, and
nightclubs, then deprive their wives and children of food, clothing, education,
and medical care.
Others
abandon their wives for weeks or months, deny them intimacy, neglect their
emotional and psychological needs, treat them harshly, withhold kind words or
gentle affection, insult or assault them—sometimes causing permanent injury or
broken bones. Where is qiwamah in this?
There are
also men who cut their wives off from their relatives, insult their families,
despise all her kin, ignore her opinion, confiscate her inheritance, seize her
money, and sell her jewelry—then claim this is qiwamah.
Such a
husband is deficient in manhood—or rather, merely a male. He knows nothing of qiwamah
except a word his tongue repeats, without understanding its meaning, fulfilling
its requirements, or upholding what the Quran and Sunnah demand—nor what homes
need of mercy and affection
for the ship of marriage to reach safe harbor.
The False Understanding of Qiwamah
It is a
grave mistake to treat the verse of qiwamah as a license for domination or a
religious justification for oppression and harm. This distorted understanding
is promoted by extremist feminist currents, whose writers claim that Islam wronged women.
In truth,
qiwamah is guardianship with justice, responsibility with compassion, wisdom
with gentleness, cooperation and partnership—where each party fulfills
obligations and enjoys rights. Through this balance, the family’s welfare is
achieved, its structure is repaired, and society’s cohesion is strengthened.
When
rights and duties are fulfilled in an atmosphere of love and mercy, when the
captain of the ship shoulders his responsibilities fully, and when good
companionship defines the household, the believing Muslim wife will be the
first to accept this divine law of qiwamah—to be content with it, and even
proud of her husband, saying: “What an excellent guardian you are.”
Marriage is not a
battlefield of competing wills, nor a space of misery, anxiety, and constant
conflict. Its purpose is not separation, divorce, and the scattering of
children. It is a human vessel sailing turbulent seas—one with a captain, a
crew, a compass, provisions, and direction.
True qiwamah
is the provision of married life: security for the woman, warmth and shelter,
giving and responsibility, justice and virtue, appreciation and respect,
cooperation and complementarity, love and happiness. It is the first brick and
the central pillar of a happy home.
Let every
man pause honestly with himself. Let every husband review what his own hands
have brought forth. Is he a true embodiment of the qiwamah prescribed by
Islamic law, or has he strayed from the straight path?
And let
every wife ask herself: Did I challenge my husband’s rightful qiwamah? Did I
attempt to strip him of it—or did I accept him as a righteous husband and a
trustworthy captain of the ship?
You May Also Read:
- Marriage: A Divine Sign for Thinkers and Proof Against Deniers!
- 4 Keys to Raising Balanced Men in Islam
- 5 Successful Strategies for Managing Financial Affairs between Spouses in Islam
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